When I was a little girl I used to sit on the floor and watch the shadows the sun would make on my carpet as it peeked through my window. I could see the pattern of the screen and leaves portrayed in shadows from the sun. The breeze would blow and so would the leaves across my floor. I can remember how it always reminded me of cool breezes and spring time. I sat this morning in my son's room and did the same thing. Watched the shadows of the leaves that the sun made. And I wished to be little again... But as I sit here now Do I really want to be little? And I think that no, I don't.
For me being little was hard. But there were some really great things about it. Pancakes for breakfast made by my Grandpa. Climbing trees, sleeping late, Cuddles from my mom. And going fast on a horse while safely wrapped in my dads arms. It's the freedom that I miss. It's not having to make such tough choices. It's wishing I wasn't so lonely sometimes. It's wishing I could be more like the leaves that blow in the breeze. They blow with the wind. If they fall off, they fly where the wind takes them. They don't worry about where they will land. The leaves are at peace with being on the branch or floating around in the sky. I myself tend to worry.
I have always been a worrier. Every since I was a kid. Could be lots of factors for that but I don't need to mention them here. I remember how often people would say to me. "Just let it roll off your back" I could never seem to do that very well then. I have gotten better about it now. Mostly due to life circumstances and not having a choice. Raising a family by myself is not easy, and with that comes a lot of letting things roll off my back. I have kids. As you know kids say the exactly what they are thinking . And being an only parent People say the exactly whats on their mind as well. These days my mind seems to be consumed with trying to live. Really live. Delight more in my children and not let "things" bother me so much. With that said it's hard for me not to let those "things" consume me. For I am a woman who leads with her heart. Granted I have learned to not to be so "sensitive" but, I still am.
Whats wrong with being Sensitive? I suppose I look at it as being a blessing and a curse. Being sensitive helps me understand people better. Whether it's through understanding their pain. Or helping them by giving them a little bit of encouragement where they might not hear any. On the other hand being sensitive leaves me open for being hurt a lot. This is where that whole "just let it roll off your back" comes into play. The problem, I really do care what happens. I love completely, I give honestly, I have Faith. And often times I forget that I matter in the whole picture. This lesson seems to be staring me in the face quite often. I wonder how many times I will go through this lesson before I realize that maybe a little protection is OK. Being guarded isn't such a bad thing. Then again.. my heart, my sensitivity, is the core of who I am. Some may say this is just plain Loco. But again, I am who I am.
I am learning however, many things about myself I may never have noticed before. I know I am stronger than I thought possible. I know that I am a good mother. I know that I can run a household, raise three kids, and still have some sanity intact. I know that I am beautiful both inside and out. I am intense, stubborn, persistent, devoted, sensitive, and passionate about everything. The thing I find the hardest thing to learn right now, is to not give too much of myself away. For every rejection i take it hits me in my core. Recently it is harder to just "shake it off". Like a tennis ball to the gut, where it feels that it is lodged there and unable to break free. The only place of refuge for me is taking a shower, while sitting on the bottom of the tub and letting the water pummel me. As if to wash away the parts of me that hurt. Eventually I hope to have a better backhand and hit the ball back instead of getting hit by it.
So the breezes blow, and the leaves float by...and one of these days I too will learn what it means to float without worry. But until then, I will watch the shadows on my carpet, learn my lessons, play with my kids, work on my backhand and remember..the beauty within.
For me being little was hard. But there were some really great things about it. Pancakes for breakfast made by my Grandpa. Climbing trees, sleeping late, Cuddles from my mom. And going fast on a horse while safely wrapped in my dads arms. It's the freedom that I miss. It's not having to make such tough choices. It's wishing I wasn't so lonely sometimes. It's wishing I could be more like the leaves that blow in the breeze. They blow with the wind. If they fall off, they fly where the wind takes them. They don't worry about where they will land. The leaves are at peace with being on the branch or floating around in the sky. I myself tend to worry.
I have always been a worrier. Every since I was a kid. Could be lots of factors for that but I don't need to mention them here. I remember how often people would say to me. "Just let it roll off your back" I could never seem to do that very well then. I have gotten better about it now. Mostly due to life circumstances and not having a choice. Raising a family by myself is not easy, and with that comes a lot of letting things roll off my back. I have kids. As you know kids say the exactly what they are thinking . And being an only parent People say the exactly whats on their mind as well. These days my mind seems to be consumed with trying to live. Really live. Delight more in my children and not let "things" bother me so much. With that said it's hard for me not to let those "things" consume me. For I am a woman who leads with her heart. Granted I have learned to not to be so "sensitive" but, I still am.
Whats wrong with being Sensitive? I suppose I look at it as being a blessing and a curse. Being sensitive helps me understand people better. Whether it's through understanding their pain. Or helping them by giving them a little bit of encouragement where they might not hear any. On the other hand being sensitive leaves me open for being hurt a lot. This is where that whole "just let it roll off your back" comes into play. The problem, I really do care what happens. I love completely, I give honestly, I have Faith. And often times I forget that I matter in the whole picture. This lesson seems to be staring me in the face quite often. I wonder how many times I will go through this lesson before I realize that maybe a little protection is OK. Being guarded isn't such a bad thing. Then again.. my heart, my sensitivity, is the core of who I am. Some may say this is just plain Loco. But again, I am who I am.
I am learning however, many things about myself I may never have noticed before. I know I am stronger than I thought possible. I know that I am a good mother. I know that I can run a household, raise three kids, and still have some sanity intact. I know that I am beautiful both inside and out. I am intense, stubborn, persistent, devoted, sensitive, and passionate about everything. The thing I find the hardest thing to learn right now, is to not give too much of myself away. For every rejection i take it hits me in my core. Recently it is harder to just "shake it off". Like a tennis ball to the gut, where it feels that it is lodged there and unable to break free. The only place of refuge for me is taking a shower, while sitting on the bottom of the tub and letting the water pummel me. As if to wash away the parts of me that hurt. Eventually I hope to have a better backhand and hit the ball back instead of getting hit by it.
So the breezes blow, and the leaves float by...and one of these days I too will learn what it means to float without worry. But until then, I will watch the shadows on my carpet, learn my lessons, play with my kids, work on my backhand and remember..the beauty within.
