Muse 6

The plans we made, the times we had
the love we shared. Then tragedy..
and you were gone.

The weeks have come and gone..
No emails, no text, no ringing phone
Just blank screens, and one lonely heart

The questions remain.

Tragedy one can't predict
I know this to well. Love once perfect
gone like lightning across the sky
beautiful and frightening...

 The pain is mine, The tears are mine
the lesson is mine.
Memories stowed away to be remembered
another place, another lifetime.


*Was I just a blip on the radar
another notch on your heart.
Did I touch a part of you,
A part you had long forgot..


My fear clouds my judgement
panic rising to the surface
staring me in the face the new reality
of what remains..

Knowing you had something great
but you don't know how to change..
and I don't know how to do it any other way.


**Was I just a blip on the radar
another notch on your heart.
Did I touch a part of you,
A part you had long forgot..



Intense, Passionate, Fierce, and Reckless
The heart that could love the world.
your world. Your heart.
Throw caution to the wind, to find you
Breathless and searching, met only with silence


Everyone wants someone to fight for them..
The warrior in me.. I know what I would do.
Who fights for me..
Who stands beside me..

With sword in hand... I stand alone.

The pain is mine, The tears are mine
The lesson is mine..



**Was I just a blip on the radar
another notch on your heart.
Did I touch a part of you,
A part you had long forgot..

Muse 5

I fell, and I fell hard. And now I can think of nothing else. I don't any other fall. I want the one thing I can't have. It's a little like death in some ways.  The only difference is this fall is walking around living a breathing. As with death there is always a grieving period. Becoming hollow and feeling nothing. Numb to the core. And just wanting to go to bed. Hoping the universe will bring me a dream of how to get "out." It doesn't feel like the usual heartbreak. Maybe because there was such a connection that I can't imagine why one, wouldn't want that breath of life. This reminded me so much of a life I once lived. I felt whole and renewed. But the fall went away. No text.. No email.. just silence.
  The warrior in me has tried to move past it. As if that was really going to help. I have finally decided that until I put ice on my bruised and battered heart I am not going to get very far. So I have moved my dancing shoes to the back of the closet for now. because right now, I don't feel like dancing. I gave it a good shot. But the universe knows me better. It's why all the other dances eventually find another partner or find a reason they can't stay. These dancers just aren't right. The music isn't right. The dance is all wrong. My heart isn't in it. It's not the dance that I want.  My feet are sore, the music is too loud, my rhythm is off.
  The problem , how do I fix it. I don't. I can't make said dancer remember the steps. If the dancer doesn't want to remember.  But I remember them. So for now I dance alone. Remembering the beautiful dance we shared. delighting in the sound of the music and the way it felt to be gliding across the floor. With ease and raw talent. Each step deliberate and precise. The glow of the room, the excitement in the air. The feeling of being safe and carefree. knowing the connection shared I wouldn't stumble, I was graceful. However something went wrong, the music faltered, the dancer lost their step and I fell and hit the ballroom floor, hard.      
       There was no hand to help me up. I sat on the floor feeling foolish and silly for trusting a new dancer so quickly. I forgot the basic choreography. I went right into complicated and tricky with both feet at the same time. Instead of, first the right foot and then the left.  I remember that it was so perfect. That I didn't think one needed the basics. I pick myself up off the dance floor. I grab my shoes that were so carelessly tossed aside.  I look over my shoulder just to make sure that I am really alone.  Hoping that it was just a mistake and the music would start again, and I will once again be floating across the floor, in the strong embrace. However, much to my dismay all the dancers have gone and I am left alone with just the disco ball and the pattern on the floor.
    "It's better this way", I say to the empty room.  I know that even though I am alone with my sore feet, and broken shoes. I remember the dance, and the choreography, and, how beautiful it once was. I hope the dancer will one day soon, remember the steps and come join me for another dance, and stay for more. If not I will always remember.

"Don't you Remember" by Adele
When Will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word
was said
No final kiss to seal anything
I had no idea of the state we were in

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness
 and a wondering eye and a heaviness in my head

*But don't you remember? Don't you remember?
 The reason you loved me before
Baby, please remember me once more

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your
memory?
I often think about where I would roam
More I do, the less I know

But I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness
and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head

* But don't you remember? Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby, Please remember me once more

I gave you the space so you could breathe
I kept my distance so you would be free
and I hope that you find the missing piece
to bring you back to me

* Why don't you remember? don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before
baby, please remember me once more

When will I see you again....

Muse 4

Sometimes I feel that I have lost my song. Lost who I am. Or Lost my way. As if I was on a path that was so beautiful and then a storm came and ripped my path to shreds and now I am left to pick my way through. It seems that I have only gone a few paces when my sweater gets snagged on a thorn..   Now have hole in my sweater and I have to go back and untangle it from the thorn bush that its trapped in. Kind of like my heart. I walk forward only to have it tell me to stop and wait for it to catch up.
  For me I keep thinking that if I keep going and pushing on maybe I can push my way through the pain. Push out the heartache as if to numb it in some way.  Telling myself that all these "new adventures" are fun.  But maybe they are just a way to pass the time. As if to fill some void, that I may never get back again.  It's trying to tell myself not to give away a piece of my heart to every new adventure that has a nice smile and a warm embrace. My thinking that maybe this one, will ease my pain. Maybe this one will stay long enough to see something beautiful.
   Yet, it's not just the beauty that I wish they would see. It's everything else. Still I don't want them to see too much. I want my cake handmade just for me. The cake that was prepared with such love and grace and has been waiting for me to sit down and enjoy a piece. It's trying to stay intact in a hail storm with no raincoat. Nothing to cover my head to keep me from being bruised from the hard stones falling from the sky. One would think that with each storm I would remember an umbrella at least, but I never do.  I always remain bare and transparent. I am always the one who packs everything in the diaper bag because you just never know what one might need when going out. However I forget to pack anything for me.
   I don't feel much like singing. And when I do sing it feels half hearted. That the passion that once was, is fading. There are certain songs that can bring it out. So I know my song is still alive and steady. It's just a little hidden away right now.  But when I do bring it out to play, sometimes it's feels fearful, and uncertain. Not wanting to give too much, not wanting to feel too much.  Fearful of being slammed off the treble clef.  Instead of just letting it soar. Allowing it to vibrate freely and intimately through my whole being. The way it was meant to.  The way it was gifted to.
     I stand in the middle of my path and I look around. Trees have blocked the path that once was. Limbs and leaves scattered throughout. Branches ripped off and tossed carelessly here and there. The devastation the storm left behind. What was once a beautiful, glorious, and wide open path with lovely flowers scattered delicatly throughout. Is now twisted, torn, broken, and beaten. Not knowing where to step for fear of stepping in a hole and not finding my way back.  But if I look far enough ahead, I can see part of that beautiful path that once was, peeking through the trees. And I can see on the other side there is beauty once more. I know that not everything on that path ahead is steady. There are some holes scattered throughout. But overall it is beautiful and serene. How the sun dances on the leaves and the fairies dance and play to the music the flowers make. The laughter that fills that beautiful path rings in my ears and I long to be there this minute. But I look at the ground that my feet are on right now and I see I have to figure out this path first. In order to get to that path up ahead...
    I look down at my torn sweater. It's starting to unravel a bit. That seems to happen with sweaters. But it's my favorite one. It fits perfect. I can dress it up or dress it down and it always has a warm hug waiting for me when I put it on. I know that the person who made it for me, loved me very much. To have made such a perfect sweater. It's a part of me. I take it with me where ever I go.  I look up at the sky and see that it is cloudy but the sun is shining behind those gray clouds.  I pick up the branch that is blocking my path and I toss it to the side. Slowly and carefully I clear a new path. I look at my hands they are scratched and bloody in spots but they will heal. I play with the hole in my sweater and feel the rain drops falling on my head. But this time when I reach into the pocket of my beautiful hand made sweater, I feel the umbrella. It was there the whole time I just didn't reach far enough. I forgot to trust myself. I forgot to have Faith.
     As I open my umbrella just as the rain starts to fall harder, I feel my song start to hum a new song. I still don't have a rain coat. But I realize that with it, I couldn't feel the rain's beauty dancing on my skin.


"Set Fire to the Rain" ~ Adele
I let it fall, my heart and as it fell, you rose to claim it.
It was dark and I was over.
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, They're strong but my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say they were never true, never true
And the games you play, you would always win, always win

**But I set fire to the rain
  Watched to pour as I touched your face
    Let it burn while I cry
  Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

When laying with you I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here, forever
You and Me together, nothing is better

Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play you would always win, always win

**But I set fire to the rain
  Watched to pour as I touched your face
    Let it burn while I cry
  Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain and I threw us into the flames
Where I felt somethin' die, 'cause I knew that was the last time
the last time

Sometimes I wake up by the door now that you've gone,
must be waiting for you
Even now when it's already over I can't help myself from
looking for you

** I set Fire to the rain
    Watched it pour as I touched your face
    Let it burn while I cried
   Cause I heard it screaming out your name
     your name..

I set fire to the rain, watched it pour as I touched your face
  Let it burn while I cried
 Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

       Oh, no
     Let it burn, oh
     Let it burn

Muse 3

I found myself at the bottom of the shower again. I sadly can't seem to learn this lesson. To not give too much. To not lose too much..  Luckily I learned this time not to lose all of it. So I guess I am learnig. I went out last night. Had a few drinks, sang some songs. I needed a night where I could just let loose. To leave Worry and Anxiety at home. I felt young. I was sassy and fun. However it's now morning and Worry and Anxiety are back in full swing. I remember why I went out. To get away from this life that I feel at times that I have lost the ability to live. To shine.. I am thankful for last night.
   In this light I sit in my shower and I pray and I meditate and I listen to my inner voice and I keep hearing the same thing. Patience. Something I am terrible with. I hate to wait. It seems that after everything that we have lived through in this life, isn't it time to start living and not start waiting?
  I found what I was looking for some weeks ago. Had a couple beautiful days. Then it was gone. and I thought that was that. However it came back. Beautiful and full of life. The plans we made. But then a crisis happened and it is gone again. I sit and I pray. I look at my phone and wait for emails, they don't come. The text messages, they don't come. I know what grief is like. I have been there and I have been in the thick of it. However at some point no amout of pushing, waiting, texting, and asking. I am still here alone. wondering. and wating. And what is the universe saying. "don't lose hope, don't lose faith"  I am trying my best. But the days have slowly passed and still nothing...
   Was this just another tennis ball come back to haunt me. Should I have hit harder. Played the "game" harder. Been less honest? Been less of something? Did I push to hard? did I ask too much? I don't know. But then If i didn't do those things, then how is that staying true to me. People who meet me love the light that I have inside of me. They are drawn to me and want to know more. But sometimes it feels that it stops there. The intenstiy. the real, woman the core of who I am shines thru. It's like spellbinding. And once they take a step back all of the sudden life  feels overwhelming. Am I overwhelming?  Maybe its because I have seen seomthing that broke me for a little while. I lost my song, I lost my identity, I lost my soul. But I learned with help and friends that I was not dead. I was living. And what a life I needed to live. To share, to show my light, to bring it out, to bring it forth. To change the world one laugh, one smile at a time. To embreace my three beuatiful gifts and help mold them in the lights and love that "we" had decided on. To take it and run with it. However it's in these moments of feeling lost, lonely and afraid that I find impossible to just sit... and wait...
   Wait for what exactly? Life? . I feel I am trying my best to figure out what that "Life" is now. The beauty that shines in me, the beauty that shines in my heart, my childrens eyes, the beauty that shines in mine. That all this beauty is worth fighting for. That we are worth all of  the things that life has to offer. And  to someone, to somebody we will make their whole world light up. . And to that one person, their life with never be the same. And to us our life will never be the same. That this little family full of beautiful little lights and beautiful little hearts will know peace, will know love.
  For me I wait, and I hope, and pray. And try not to push. For me to figure out what this "life" is about. To find peace in the right now. To remember my sassy, my song, my light. To stay true to myself.  to find and hold onto my smile. To know, to feel, in my heart in my core. that this loco, is the spice of life. It's what make up who I am. And that, is something worth fighting for. 

Muse 2

I feel that I must be somewhat of an idiot. I have been dating here and there and it seems that I think none of them really have any good intentions. I have been talking to a person  for a few weeks I guess. And I am getting the feeling that they really have no intention of meeting me. Just mess with me. Is it because I am a single mom and have nothing else to do? Possibly. Therefore They just talk to me.. tell me I am pretty ask me about my hobbies and such. Really I wish they would just say they are looking for a friend  instead of someone to date.
 At the moment I feel a bit irate. I sort of want to rip into this person and say " So did you enjoy the ride? Cause you need to get off now. I am not here for your enetertainment. You want to get to know me then you better start acting and asking the right questions. Like when do you want to meet me? or When can we get together?" Honestly I am thinking that maybe I should just sit this one out for awhile. But even then that makes me feel irate as well. I didn't put in all the time of sending emails and writing texts just to sit this part of my life out. I need this distraction I need this time to feel like I am connected to the rest of the world. While I do realize that I am "only a stay at home mom" I am still a person who needs to feel like I matter outside of this house.. A place where chicken nuggets and diapers are not a top priority.
  But I am thinking that maybe to the small minded this might be too much for some to handle.  While I do realize I am a bit intense, I think that I expect too  much of people in return.  Therefore I want to just punch the next person who wants to "chat" with me but not talk to me.  Not to be arrogant. But I am awesome! A bit Loco possibly, but I am interesting. I have done many great and fun adventurous things in my life. There is more to me than just someones mom. I am young, attractive, intelligent, creative, and fun.   Along with being beautiful and sexy. What more could you ask for. I am guessing the problem is that I want to much. My vulnerability, the fact that I have so many children at the ripe age of 32. that I don't have and ex for the kids to go to another house on the weekends.  Personally I could see this as a good thing. With there being No ex there is no one to be jealous of. No one that I am "tied" to. But honestly why should I have to wait for you not to be busy. Was it not you who sent me the message?
  It was you who started it, so it should be you who wants it. I am not asking for your mothers maiden name or copies of you bank statement. I am asking for an honest conversation on the phone or in person. Why should I have to ask you if I can call you. You should be calling me. You should be chasing me. You should be impatiently waiting to hear my voice on the phone. However I am learning the hard way. The very hard way that people don't feel and don't think like this anymore. And that my friend, is truly loco. This makes me want to shout from my driveway that I hate this way of thinking.  Granted I understand how easy a text message is. Sometimes for me it's way easier to just send a text that to talk on the phone. Mostly because I have three small children running around yelling. So therefore it makes it impossible to hear.
  So what is it that I hope to have gained from all of this. I guess not to be so trusting. Act like they do passive and untrustworthy?  But then I wouldn't be true to who I am . So I guess I try to mesh the two. Be me and aloof. This seems like too much work. But maybe it's the only way to stay not so loco.                     

Muse 1

When I was a little girl I used to sit on the floor and watch the shadows the sun would make on my carpet as it peeked through my window. I could see the pattern of the screen and leaves portrayed in shadows from the sun. The breeze would blow and so would the leaves across my floor. I can remember how it always reminded me of cool breezes and spring time. I sat this morning in my son's room and did the same thing. Watched the shadows of the leaves that the sun made. And I wished to be little again... But as I sit here now Do I really want to be little? And I think that no, I don't.
   For me being little was hard. But there were some really great things about it. Pancakes for breakfast made by my Grandpa. Climbing trees, sleeping late, Cuddles from my mom. And going fast on a horse while safely wrapped in my dads arms. It's the freedom that I miss. It's not having to make such tough choices. It's wishing I wasn't so lonely sometimes. It's wishing I could be more like the leaves that blow in the breeze. They blow with the wind. If they fall off, they fly where the wind takes them. They don't worry about where they will land. The leaves are at peace with being on the branch or floating around in the sky. I myself tend to worry.
   I have always been a worrier. Every since I was a kid. Could be lots of factors for that but I don't need to mention them here. I remember how often people would say to me. "Just let it roll off your back" I could never seem to do that very well then. I have gotten better about it now. Mostly due to life circumstances and not having  a choice.  Raising a family by myself is not easy, and with that comes a lot of letting things roll off my back. I have kids. As you know kids say the exactly what they are thinking . And being an only parent People say the exactly whats on their mind as well.  These days my mind seems to be consumed with trying to live. Really live. Delight more in my children and not let "things" bother me so much. With that said it's hard for me not to let those "things" consume me. For I am a woman who leads with her heart. Granted I have learned to not to be so "sensitive" but, I still  am.
  Whats wrong with being Sensitive? I suppose I look at it as being a blessing and a curse. Being sensitive helps me understand people better. Whether it's through understanding their pain. Or helping them by giving them a little bit of encouragement where they might not hear any. On the other hand being sensitive leaves me open for being hurt a lot. This is where that whole "just let it roll off your back" comes into play. The problem,  I really do care what happens.  I love completely, I give honestly, I have Faith. And often times I forget that I matter in the whole picture. This lesson seems to be staring me in the face quite often. I wonder how many times I will go through this lesson before I realize that maybe a little protection is OK. Being guarded isn't such a bad thing. Then again.. my heart, my sensitivity, is the core of who I am.  Some may say this is just plain Loco. But again, I am who I am.
   I am learning however, many things about myself I may never have noticed before. I know I am stronger than I thought possible. I know that I am a good mother. I know that I can run a household, raise three kids, and still have some sanity intact.  I know that I am beautiful both inside and out. I am intense, stubborn, persistent,  devoted, sensitive, and passionate about everything.  The thing I find the hardest thing to learn right now, is to not give too much of myself away.  For every rejection i take it hits me in my core. Recently it is harder to just "shake it off".  Like a tennis ball to the gut, where it feels that it is lodged there and unable to break free.  The only place of refuge for me is taking a shower, while sitting on the bottom of the tub and letting the water pummel me. As if to wash away the parts of me that hurt.  Eventually I hope to have a better backhand and hit the ball back instead of getting hit by it.
   So the breezes blow, and the leaves float by...and one of these days I too will learn what it means to float without worry. But until then, I will watch the shadows on my carpet, learn my lessons, play with my kids, work on my backhand and remember..the beauty within.