I found myself at the bottom of the shower again. I sadly can't seem to learn this lesson. To not give too much. To not lose too much.. Luckily I learned this time not to lose all of it. So I guess I am learnig. I went out last night. Had a few drinks, sang some songs. I needed a night where I could just let loose. To leave Worry and Anxiety at home. I felt young. I was sassy and fun. However it's now morning and Worry and Anxiety are back in full swing. I remember why I went out. To get away from this life that I feel at times that I have lost the ability to live. To shine.. I am thankful for last night.
In this light I sit in my shower and I pray and I meditate and I listen to my inner voice and I keep hearing the same thing. Patience. Something I am terrible with. I hate to wait. It seems that after everything that we have lived through in this life, isn't it time to start living and not start waiting?
I found what I was looking for some weeks ago. Had a couple beautiful days. Then it was gone. and I thought that was that. However it came back. Beautiful and full of life. The plans we made. But then a crisis happened and it is gone again. I sit and I pray. I look at my phone and wait for emails, they don't come. The text messages, they don't come. I know what grief is like. I have been there and I have been in the thick of it. However at some point no amout of pushing, waiting, texting, and asking. I am still here alone. wondering. and wating. And what is the universe saying. "don't lose hope, don't lose faith" I am trying my best. But the days have slowly passed and still nothing...
Was this just another tennis ball come back to haunt me. Should I have hit harder. Played the "game" harder. Been less honest? Been less of something? Did I push to hard? did I ask too much? I don't know. But then If i didn't do those things, then how is that staying true to me. People who meet me love the light that I have inside of me. They are drawn to me and want to know more. But sometimes it feels that it stops there. The intenstiy. the real, woman the core of who I am shines thru. It's like spellbinding. And once they take a step back all of the sudden life feels overwhelming. Am I overwhelming? Maybe its because I have seen seomthing that broke me for a little while. I lost my song, I lost my identity, I lost my soul. But I learned with help and friends that I was not dead. I was living. And what a life I needed to live. To share, to show my light, to bring it out, to bring it forth. To change the world one laugh, one smile at a time. To embreace my three beuatiful gifts and help mold them in the lights and love that "we" had decided on. To take it and run with it. However it's in these moments of feeling lost, lonely and afraid that I find impossible to just sit... and wait...
Wait for what exactly? Life? . I feel I am trying my best to figure out what that "Life" is now. The beauty that shines in me, the beauty that shines in my heart, my childrens eyes, the beauty that shines in mine. That all this beauty is worth fighting for. That we are worth all of the things that life has to offer. And to someone, to somebody we will make their whole world light up. . And to that one person, their life with never be the same. And to us our life will never be the same. That this little family full of beautiful little lights and beautiful little hearts will know peace, will know love.
For me I wait, and I hope, and pray. And try not to push. For me to figure out what this "life" is about. To find peace in the right now. To remember my sassy, my song, my light. To stay true to myself. to find and hold onto my smile. To know, to feel, in my heart in my core. that this loco, is the spice of life. It's what make up who I am. And that, is something worth fighting for.
In this light I sit in my shower and I pray and I meditate and I listen to my inner voice and I keep hearing the same thing. Patience. Something I am terrible with. I hate to wait. It seems that after everything that we have lived through in this life, isn't it time to start living and not start waiting?
I found what I was looking for some weeks ago. Had a couple beautiful days. Then it was gone. and I thought that was that. However it came back. Beautiful and full of life. The plans we made. But then a crisis happened and it is gone again. I sit and I pray. I look at my phone and wait for emails, they don't come. The text messages, they don't come. I know what grief is like. I have been there and I have been in the thick of it. However at some point no amout of pushing, waiting, texting, and asking. I am still here alone. wondering. and wating. And what is the universe saying. "don't lose hope, don't lose faith" I am trying my best. But the days have slowly passed and still nothing...
Was this just another tennis ball come back to haunt me. Should I have hit harder. Played the "game" harder. Been less honest? Been less of something? Did I push to hard? did I ask too much? I don't know. But then If i didn't do those things, then how is that staying true to me. People who meet me love the light that I have inside of me. They are drawn to me and want to know more. But sometimes it feels that it stops there. The intenstiy. the real, woman the core of who I am shines thru. It's like spellbinding. And once they take a step back all of the sudden life feels overwhelming. Am I overwhelming? Maybe its because I have seen seomthing that broke me for a little while. I lost my song, I lost my identity, I lost my soul. But I learned with help and friends that I was not dead. I was living. And what a life I needed to live. To share, to show my light, to bring it out, to bring it forth. To change the world one laugh, one smile at a time. To embreace my three beuatiful gifts and help mold them in the lights and love that "we" had decided on. To take it and run with it. However it's in these moments of feeling lost, lonely and afraid that I find impossible to just sit... and wait...
Wait for what exactly? Life? . I feel I am trying my best to figure out what that "Life" is now. The beauty that shines in me, the beauty that shines in my heart, my childrens eyes, the beauty that shines in mine. That all this beauty is worth fighting for. That we are worth all of the things that life has to offer. And to someone, to somebody we will make their whole world light up. . And to that one person, their life with never be the same. And to us our life will never be the same. That this little family full of beautiful little lights and beautiful little hearts will know peace, will know love.
For me I wait, and I hope, and pray. And try not to push. For me to figure out what this "life" is about. To find peace in the right now. To remember my sassy, my song, my light. To stay true to myself. to find and hold onto my smile. To know, to feel, in my heart in my core. that this loco, is the spice of life. It's what make up who I am. And that, is something worth fighting for.
No comments:
Post a Comment