Muse 3

I found myself at the bottom of the shower again. I sadly can't seem to learn this lesson. To not give too much. To not lose too much..  Luckily I learned this time not to lose all of it. So I guess I am learnig. I went out last night. Had a few drinks, sang some songs. I needed a night where I could just let loose. To leave Worry and Anxiety at home. I felt young. I was sassy and fun. However it's now morning and Worry and Anxiety are back in full swing. I remember why I went out. To get away from this life that I feel at times that I have lost the ability to live. To shine.. I am thankful for last night.
   In this light I sit in my shower and I pray and I meditate and I listen to my inner voice and I keep hearing the same thing. Patience. Something I am terrible with. I hate to wait. It seems that after everything that we have lived through in this life, isn't it time to start living and not start waiting?
  I found what I was looking for some weeks ago. Had a couple beautiful days. Then it was gone. and I thought that was that. However it came back. Beautiful and full of life. The plans we made. But then a crisis happened and it is gone again. I sit and I pray. I look at my phone and wait for emails, they don't come. The text messages, they don't come. I know what grief is like. I have been there and I have been in the thick of it. However at some point no amout of pushing, waiting, texting, and asking. I am still here alone. wondering. and wating. And what is the universe saying. "don't lose hope, don't lose faith"  I am trying my best. But the days have slowly passed and still nothing...
   Was this just another tennis ball come back to haunt me. Should I have hit harder. Played the "game" harder. Been less honest? Been less of something? Did I push to hard? did I ask too much? I don't know. But then If i didn't do those things, then how is that staying true to me. People who meet me love the light that I have inside of me. They are drawn to me and want to know more. But sometimes it feels that it stops there. The intenstiy. the real, woman the core of who I am shines thru. It's like spellbinding. And once they take a step back all of the sudden life  feels overwhelming. Am I overwhelming?  Maybe its because I have seen seomthing that broke me for a little while. I lost my song, I lost my identity, I lost my soul. But I learned with help and friends that I was not dead. I was living. And what a life I needed to live. To share, to show my light, to bring it out, to bring it forth. To change the world one laugh, one smile at a time. To embreace my three beuatiful gifts and help mold them in the lights and love that "we" had decided on. To take it and run with it. However it's in these moments of feeling lost, lonely and afraid that I find impossible to just sit... and wait...
   Wait for what exactly? Life? . I feel I am trying my best to figure out what that "Life" is now. The beauty that shines in me, the beauty that shines in my heart, my childrens eyes, the beauty that shines in mine. That all this beauty is worth fighting for. That we are worth all of  the things that life has to offer. And  to someone, to somebody we will make their whole world light up. . And to that one person, their life with never be the same. And to us our life will never be the same. That this little family full of beautiful little lights and beautiful little hearts will know peace, will know love.
  For me I wait, and I hope, and pray. And try not to push. For me to figure out what this "life" is about. To find peace in the right now. To remember my sassy, my song, my light. To stay true to myself.  to find and hold onto my smile. To know, to feel, in my heart in my core. that this loco, is the spice of life. It's what make up who I am. And that, is something worth fighting for. 

Muse 2

I feel that I must be somewhat of an idiot. I have been dating here and there and it seems that I think none of them really have any good intentions. I have been talking to a person  for a few weeks I guess. And I am getting the feeling that they really have no intention of meeting me. Just mess with me. Is it because I am a single mom and have nothing else to do? Possibly. Therefore They just talk to me.. tell me I am pretty ask me about my hobbies and such. Really I wish they would just say they are looking for a friend  instead of someone to date.
 At the moment I feel a bit irate. I sort of want to rip into this person and say " So did you enjoy the ride? Cause you need to get off now. I am not here for your enetertainment. You want to get to know me then you better start acting and asking the right questions. Like when do you want to meet me? or When can we get together?" Honestly I am thinking that maybe I should just sit this one out for awhile. But even then that makes me feel irate as well. I didn't put in all the time of sending emails and writing texts just to sit this part of my life out. I need this distraction I need this time to feel like I am connected to the rest of the world. While I do realize that I am "only a stay at home mom" I am still a person who needs to feel like I matter outside of this house.. A place where chicken nuggets and diapers are not a top priority.
  But I am thinking that maybe to the small minded this might be too much for some to handle.  While I do realize I am a bit intense, I think that I expect too  much of people in return.  Therefore I want to just punch the next person who wants to "chat" with me but not talk to me.  Not to be arrogant. But I am awesome! A bit Loco possibly, but I am interesting. I have done many great and fun adventurous things in my life. There is more to me than just someones mom. I am young, attractive, intelligent, creative, and fun.   Along with being beautiful and sexy. What more could you ask for. I am guessing the problem is that I want to much. My vulnerability, the fact that I have so many children at the ripe age of 32. that I don't have and ex for the kids to go to another house on the weekends.  Personally I could see this as a good thing. With there being No ex there is no one to be jealous of. No one that I am "tied" to. But honestly why should I have to wait for you not to be busy. Was it not you who sent me the message?
  It was you who started it, so it should be you who wants it. I am not asking for your mothers maiden name or copies of you bank statement. I am asking for an honest conversation on the phone or in person. Why should I have to ask you if I can call you. You should be calling me. You should be chasing me. You should be impatiently waiting to hear my voice on the phone. However I am learning the hard way. The very hard way that people don't feel and don't think like this anymore. And that my friend, is truly loco. This makes me want to shout from my driveway that I hate this way of thinking.  Granted I understand how easy a text message is. Sometimes for me it's way easier to just send a text that to talk on the phone. Mostly because I have three small children running around yelling. So therefore it makes it impossible to hear.
  So what is it that I hope to have gained from all of this. I guess not to be so trusting. Act like they do passive and untrustworthy?  But then I wouldn't be true to who I am . So I guess I try to mesh the two. Be me and aloof. This seems like too much work. But maybe it's the only way to stay not so loco.